What'th happinin' now...

Yea!! I wasn't as much of a loser this week!! I haven't posted for awhile!! So let's see...what have I been doing and how was it....??...well, Last week wasn't bad. I didn't have as many kids as I have been having, which was cool. The weekend was really cool because I got to hang out with Dave and Fay more than normal, so that was fun. Retreat meetings...yada yada yada...not a whole lot of excitement. I'm still really confused about a lot of stuff right now. I decided (I think anyway, it may change) to hold off on entering the education program for another semester. This will put me at the even five year mark for college, which isn't bad (unless you talk to my mom who has a way of making me feel stupid and guilty about eveything I do-man I hate it when she does that.) But I'm still not sure this is where I'm "supposed" to be or if it's where I just sort of ended up. I really don't know. I'm scared that I'll regret not doing something different with my life...and now I have a song I'd like to share with you that really illustatrates how I'm feeling at the moment...hehe

Is There Life Out There

She married when she was twenty (ok, so I'm not married, but it get's better)
She thought she was ready
Now she's not so sure
She thought she'd done some living
But now she's just wonderin'
What she's living for
Now she's feeling that there's something more

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

She's always lived for tomorrow
She's never learned how
To live for today
She's dyin' to try something foolish
Do something crazy
Or just get away
Something for herself for a change

(Refrain)

There's a place in the sun that she's never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend
Would she do it the same as she did back then
She looks out the window and wonders again

(Refrain 2X)

So yeah...I don't know, I feel like I'm a broken record with the whole I'm going away to college/ I'm not going away to college, but I'm running out of chances. Just so many pros and cons for both options. I don't know what I want. I'm not independent in a lot of aspects but there's some people that I feel I need to be away from for awhile and I know I'll never get the chance while I remain here. It's the same old "Moving On" song too. I feel like I can't grow and discover who I am while I remain so unchanged for so long, and yet maybe I do belong here...grrr...no idea. I ask God for signs and sometimes I think He gives them to me, but what if I mistaking or misreading His signs...I don't know...
Oh well...I'll just piss and moan (name that flick) for awhile and try to sort through it all. But now it's time to go "off to school, off to school...." so until next time!

Twice in two days, I must be a loser!!

Wow, look at me, I'm really getting into this whole blog thingy!! Two days in a row. I don't even have a whole lot to say, I'm just bored. I should be studying, after all that was the reason I came to the library in the first place, but instead I'm reading others' blogs and updating my own (although not much to update) We had Celebration! last night and that was fun. I am really glad that I came back even though it took me awile to figure out that was where I needed to be. I was worried that I was only coming back because that C! was "something I did." Like I was coming back out of habit and nothing else. While I am sure that part of it was out of habit, I know that another part of it is because I still want to share myself with those crazy new kids. I really hope to be an asset this time because I'm not so sure I have been the past couple. I don't know. I'm not sure what God is calling me to do for this retreat or for that matter for Senior retreat. My stories have been told but I guess as much as I dislike it, if I get a talk then I will try my best. I just don't want to do the same sob story over and over again, it's been played enough by me. But hopefully I'll figure something out or at least be open to what others will figure out for me. After the meeting a bunch of us went to Miller's to watch the Bengals, it was a good game (although I don't even like football all that much) and actually, I might be going over there shortly to watch more football (doesn't anybody want to entertain me with something other than football??) I'm not sure I am going to go over there because although I love them all deeply, I don't always feel welcome in their group and sometimes that makes it hard for me to hang out with them. But oh well, I might not have time anyway since I still have to do that pesky study thing before I leave the 'brary. I guess that's all I have to say for now, and hopefully I'll actually get some studying done here in a few...man, I need to find some motivation somewhere.

Busy Weekend

I just got back from my Senior retreat meeting. I am really glad that they have started up again. I love all the people and it's so nice to go somewhere that you are automatically excepted and everyone seems happy that you're there. But I'm going to back up now. Friday night was fun. I went to Lexington with Brea, Dave, and Mikey. We had good times visiting Luke and Gerry. We also got to see Topher for a bit which was cool. I got home about 4:30 and then went to the Oktoberfest at my church. It was fun also, I got to see a lot of people that I haven't seen in awhile and hang out with my family. Then Dave and I went to Brad Macke's for a camp fire and good times. It was nice hanging out there too, but we didn't stay long. Then we went to Jeana's dad's house for a party. I love going there because it's al awesome house with an awesome view. I spent a lot of the night out looking at the stars. I even slept out there for a couple of hours and hung out by myself comtemplating life. I'm doing much better than I was on Thursday. I'm still not feeling totally better, but I'll settle for a lot. I still feel the need to overanalyze and there's still some stuff I want worked out, but I'm confident that it'll get worked out.

Perpetually Bored

Yes, it's Thursday nite and no I don't have school tomorrow and yes I am bored out of my mind...Pathetic much? But it's the story of my life. School wasn't horrible today, but I was reminded about my Bio test next Thurs and I'm not-so-much looking forward to it. Then off to work I went and I only had like 14 kids!! It was amazing. Although they still stressed me out 110%. I'm not so sure about the whole teaching thing and that scares me a whole lot because I honestly can't think of anything else I could actually do with my life. I'm such a loser and (grrr) can't do anything right. The kids were being so mean to one another and I thought up a "great" idea (only it didn't prove to be so great): I had all the kids write their name really big on a piece of paper and then everybody passes their papers to the right. Basically, everyone was to write something nice about everyone else in the group. I talked about Respect and the Golden Rule and everything. The kids seemed to love doing this..."Sarah can we keep going?" they asked even after everyone had written on everybody else's. Wow, this is a good sign I thought...But no...Before I could even collect the papers, they were being horrible to each other again. I really don't know if I can do this. I barely have one foot in and I'm sucking big time already. After work it was back to school and having to stay awake during IFS 105...Oh yeah there are some good times. I ran home for dinner and then I called Fay to come hang out with me. But no, he's busy...Everyone has a life but me...I drive myself crazy. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel like I have any friends and the ones I did have, all have better friends now. I wish I just had someone to talk to when I was feeling this lonely and unloved. And now to add to my pathetic life I am sitting in the library at NKU waiting to see if Dave or Fay show up after Bible study. I just want to feel apart of something again. I miss long talks about life or nothing at all. I miss just hanging out and being ok with nothing being said. I just wish I wasn't so pathetic and lonely.