Got a lot of catching up to do...
Ok, let's see...It's been over a month and a half since my last post and I thought that I should jump back on the blogwagon...So here I am. Let's see...I had a complete blast in Florida but a not-so-great time since I've been back. I am very happy to have my parentals home because I was so lonely while they were away. I cried a lot more and threw way too many pity parties. I don't know what has been wrong with me, but it definitely needs to be fixed. I feel like nobody wants to have anything to do with me anymore and all I do is annoy people. I know that Brea and I joked about being hurt that Schalk and Kelly hung out without us, but the fact is, I was really upset about it. I know that I don't have anyone to double date with them, but I still could've been asked and I know that Schalk knew that I felt this way or she would've told me that Kelly and Eric were going with her and Chris to the Shadowbox instead of just telling me Chris was going. It's one thing to make myself feel bad about not having a boyfriend, but when I can't hang out with my friends because I don't have one, that hurts a lot more and it makes me realize what a loser I actually am. I had all of these people offer to spend the night with me while my parents were gone, but actually someone only stayed two nights (excluding the parties) That's pretty pathetic in itself. And when people did come over to keep me company, I felt like they just did because I pleaded until they felt sorry for me. Like last Friday, everyone was doing something except Dave and he didn't sound like he wanted to come over until I told him that I would cry if he didn't...Or maybe he noticed that I was already crying. I hate being this needy and pathetic but I can't help it. I just want to feel loved and I don't think that is too much to ask, but maybe it is. I don't know. "Life's tough, wear a helmet" I know, but that doesn't make anything any easier. I just miss feeling apart of everyone's life instead of like I'm intruding in their lives. When we were in Florida, I had to talk to at least one person everyday not only because I missed them, but because I was afraid that I wouldn't be missed. I think that would've been too hard for me and so I didn't give them an opportunity to miss me. I know I'm pathetic, but I can't help it. I don't know, that's all for now, although I'll probably post some lyrics in a few minutes.
posted by Smess @ 9:29 PM
2 Comments:
Do you remember the song "Chain of Love"?
"Someone once helped me out just the way I'm helpin' you..."
I was told, "Learn from others' mistakes. Life's too short to make them all yourself."
I know what it's like to feel unwanted, to feel alone. What do you think your response to me would be if I told you I felt this way?
You'd say I love you; I want you. So I'm saying this now: I love you cuzzin!
Now, as for the psyche of despair...
It really helped me once I understood some important things about friends. The only 100% "there-for-you" friend is Jesus. Although I'd like to say I'll be there for you, I'd be lying if I said I'd always be there for you. The difference is, everyone has their own life to which they must tend. I realized a short time ago that I couldn't just expect people to know what I want, or to be there just when I need them to be there. They have lives to be getting on with, not just waiting around for me to call them.
This is where fairy tales warp our minds. There aren't always happy endings, and a Prince or Princess for everyone. In fact, some people live the single life, and are quite happy: my aunt Janet, for one.
Anyway, try to remember that we are all busy at different times. When I'm at school, I'm bored sometimes because I have an hour or more to kill with no ambition to do homework. So I go make friends with random people (I smile at strangers as you taught me).
Also, a few summers ago when we spent every night calling everyone to go hangout and "DO SOMETHING", it got boring and people just needed time away with family. Now that your parents are back, you mey not have as much time to dwell on these thoughts. I'm not saying we need time apart, but when your mentality is that you never see your friends, and you just got back from vacation where you saw them constantly, it seems like they're never around when you need them. Look back at the week and count how often you hung out (counting b/t classes)...you might be surprised.
Love you sweetie!! *muah*
I could tell you you're silly for feeling this way because it's completely untrue but I know you too well and I know that you won't believe me. It's because we're so much alike that I can read your thoughts and believe it or not, I know exactly how you feel right now. So this is what I'm going to say to you "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim, swim". Any lesson in life can be taught by a Disney movie. Anyway, I learned to deal with feeling useless and unloved by closing myself off and please, Smess, never do that because you have so much to offer to this world. You are a very special person to me and to everyone around you and without you, I would have been lost long ago. If you feel like throwing a pity party, that's fine but call me so I can be there to hold your hand. And if you want, I can even be your girlfriend (I already know you're a good kisser ;)) Feeling sad is okay, it lets you know something's wrong. But if you don't DO something about it, then it never ends and no one should live like that. I am here to be your support and I'm never going anywhere, no matter what you do so if you need to talk, give me a call. I love ya buddy!
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