Back from break
So yeah, It's been awhile (for me anyway) since my last post and now it's time to add a whole lotta nothin just so I can avoid doing homework. So yeah. Let's see...SMESSMER'S 21!!! Wahoo!! I had lots of fun at my parties and I missed all those who did not attend. I enjoyed the company of those who did show up. I'm not sure what's been going on in my mind lately and these are the types of posts that I have that are the reason I didn't want anyone to read what I was writing. I've been in a very whiney mood lately and I'm not sure why. I didn't have that great of a break this weekend. I get in these moods where I cry for no reason. I know that people tell me they love me and I want to honestly believe them, but sometimes it's really hard for me. I'm so bi-polar sometimes, I don't know what to do. I just feel so alone in this huge world and so unloved. I cry to God and to myself and I don't know what to do sometimes. I feel like I just get on everybody's nerves and the only reason I'm tolerable is because they're used to me by now. I don't know what makes me feel this way. I know that the party was a part of it because whenever I have people to my house I always end up feeling like they're just using me as a reason to party it up. I know that this isn't entirely true but I just want to feel apart of my friends again. I was hoping because I was drinking, I would, but it didn't work out that way. I don't know. It also doesn't help that whenever my family gets together I feel like a failure. I hate it that my family makes me feel that way, but they do, as a whole, especially my mom. I love her to death, but she has a way of making every word out of her mouth sounds like "Sarah is a screw-up" and it drives my nuts. I just want to make my parents proud, but I don't know if that's at all possible. For once, I want people to look at me and not see the million things wrong with me but see something good about me. It doesn't help that the retreat is this weekend and I feel like I shouldn't be there. I'm not the type of person who should be leading others in Faith because of all the things I do that's wrong. I hate the way that I always let everyone down. I was doing alright with this but now "I've gone and f*cked up, just like I always do." Yeah, gotta break out the Staind at a moment like this. Matthew would be proud. So yeah, I'm done pouring all of my problems out for now, and I'm sorry to sound so pathetic, but I know I am and there's nothing right now to fix it. But oh well, I'll get over it, I always do.
posted by Smess @ 8:53 PM
3 Comments:
Ok, Cuzzin is here to give some tough love.
Shut up!!! I don't ever want to hear you say things like that.
There, was that good for you?? :P
Honestly though, I've been down this road most of my life. Do you know how many times I wish I could just cry or be angry at God or anyone. I never really could, though. Whenever I felt this way, I would lie awake at night thinking about similar things - "I'm a failure"; "I don't deserve to live"; "Why am I here?".
The problem I had was that I could never express my feelings to anyone, right when I was feeling them. I longed to have a good friend in bed with me to cry to. This is when I started to doubt my Faith. I doubted whether I believed in God at all, since I couldn't bring myself to confide in Him.
I want to say that I realized how silly it was to think I wasn't loved, but I never did resolve the issues. I just "got over them". I recommend not doing this.
My Faith was healed (though it's rocky again), but I never fully came to terms with my "depression". I guess right now, I'm just too busy to feel depressed. I sometimes think I'm a failure as a friend because I'm too busy to be there for you. But I won't tolerate such attitude from myself.
Cuzzin, if you think you're a failure, then you've already failed yourself. Your parents don't think you're a failure; how could they?? Look at Bryon and Tammy (trouble-makers), yet they've supported them along the way. :) You are in college, trying to make a difference in yourself and others (in C!).
If anybody thinks you're a failure, then they better watch out because God knows you aren't, and nobody better mess with Him.
I worry about you, and I love you - please don't act on these feelings you have. You're meant for great things; you've already accomplished some of them, but there's more in store.
Again, I love you cuzzin!! *muah*
Um, you're crazy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, first of all. I never look at you and see something wrong, the only things I see are fantastic and wonderful. You're such a sweet caring person, I wish I could be more like you. I admire you for your faith and for how selfless you are. You give everything that you have to those around you and that's only part of what makes you amazing. We are so much alike, I felt like it was myself writing that post because I know exactly how you feel. Just remember that you are beautiful and there are so many people that love you (myself being the one who loves you most of all!) No one ever uses you as an excuse to party it up, I only come to parties to see you silly! You are far from a failure by the way, think of all you've accomplished and the way that not only impact your friends and family's lives but also the lives of the kids you care for at your job. And then remember there will be so many more kids whose lives you'll be a part of once you become a teacher (and you'll be the best teacher ever, even better than Gister Moller). I'm always here as a shoulder to cry on if you need me. I'm sorry I'm so busy but I've always got time for you so if you need me just come on down to Fidelity and knock on the door, to hell with my numbers. I love you sweetheart and thanks for being my best buddy!
Thanks, guys...but I really didn't write the post so that you would feel sorry for me, I just wrote it because I wanted to get a lot of things out. But I appreciate it all the same and I love you both.
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