Back from break

So yeah, It's been awhile (for me anyway) since my last post and now it's time to add a whole lotta nothin just so I can avoid doing homework. So yeah. Let's see...SMESSMER'S 21!!! Wahoo!! I had lots of fun at my parties and I missed all those who did not attend. I enjoyed the company of those who did show up. I'm not sure what's been going on in my mind lately and these are the types of posts that I have that are the reason I didn't want anyone to read what I was writing. I've been in a very whiney mood lately and I'm not sure why. I didn't have that great of a break this weekend. I get in these moods where I cry for no reason. I know that people tell me they love me and I want to honestly believe them, but sometimes it's really hard for me. I'm so bi-polar sometimes, I don't know what to do. I just feel so alone in this huge world and so unloved. I cry to God and to myself and I don't know what to do sometimes. I feel like I just get on everybody's nerves and the only reason I'm tolerable is because they're used to me by now. I don't know what makes me feel this way. I know that the party was a part of it because whenever I have people to my house I always end up feeling like they're just using me as a reason to party it up. I know that this isn't entirely true but I just want to feel apart of my friends again. I was hoping because I was drinking, I would, but it didn't work out that way. I don't know. It also doesn't help that whenever my family gets together I feel like a failure. I hate it that my family makes me feel that way, but they do, as a whole, especially my mom. I love her to death, but she has a way of making every word out of her mouth sounds like "Sarah is a screw-up" and it drives my nuts. I just want to make my parents proud, but I don't know if that's at all possible. For once, I want people to look at me and not see the million things wrong with me but see something good about me. It doesn't help that the retreat is this weekend and I feel like I shouldn't be there. I'm not the type of person who should be leading others in Faith because of all the things I do that's wrong. I hate the way that I always let everyone down. I was doing alright with this but now "I've gone and f*cked up, just like I always do." Yeah, gotta break out the Staind at a moment like this. Matthew would be proud. So yeah, I'm done pouring all of my problems out for now, and I'm sorry to sound so pathetic, but I know I am and there's nothing right now to fix it. But oh well, I'll get over it, I always do.

Yeah, so does your face!!

Yeah, so what's up in the life of moi?? Not a whole heck of a lot...Just work and school, work and school, and a little sleep occationally. Yeah, but other than that, not much of anything. I really wish that I could get more into school again. I can tell the semester is winding down (which is really crazy because it seems to have just started) and I am so ready for Christmas break. I'm so damn burnt out on school and I just can't concentrate anymore, but oh well, I'll get over it, I always do. I have a ton and a half of things that I have to do after school tonite, I really hope I get out extra early (I always get out early, but I hope it's extra tonite) The basement still has a long way to go to be ready for my party. I still can't get over that it's already here. It feels like it wasn't very long ago that it was "only 16 weeks until I'm 21" and now it's like less than 5 days...totally insane. But yeah, I'm not feelin' the homework thing right now so I decided to type up another blog since I probably won't have anymorte time until after Thanksgiving break. I'm really excited about my party and it's not even that I'm gonna be drinking for the first time since July. It's much more about all the different people who are supposed to be coming. I was amazed at who all came to my last party and I'm thinking that this party will be even more diverse. I love it when all of my friends hang out together. I've never been the type of person who wanted to keep their seperate groups of friends and I never understood why someone would want to. I've always hated having to choose between friends. I always end up feeling like I"m letting someone down and that's why I love it when I don't have to choose. I just really hope that everyone has fun and gets along with each other. B/c that would make me very upset and even though it's my party and I'll cry if I want to, I really don't want to. Hehe...I"m not sure that my mom is expecting as many people as I am, but I have tried to warn her and hopefully she'll be ok with it. She very happy that most of my friends are 21 now, it makes her much less worried. She's also very happy that everyone knows if you drink you stay. Although I'm not so sure where everyone is going to sleep. But oh well, it'll be good times and I'm sure that we'll make good memories in the process. And that's what's important at a party, right?? Right. But yeah, as far as anything interesting in my life, I got nothin, so I guess I'll quick boring whoever reads this and just go read the Northerner. So yeah. That's it. The End. If you stop reading, then I'll stop typing. I mean it. Stop reading. Thanks :o)

I know, I know I'm posting too much again...

Yeah, so much for getting a life...But oh well. I'm on the computer too damn much recently...And that's not exactly easy considering that my computer at my house is totally janktified and I have to come to school to use the computers there. But yeah, life goes on. It's been a good week, although I've really been slacking in the school department. I can't seem to find any motivation for it right now. I can't wait 'til the end of the semester. But yeah, other than that, life's going good. Nothing much has been going on since my last blog, so this will probably not be very interesting, but oh well, just killing time between ceramics and Applebees. My radiation from retreat is finally wearing off and I'm not walking around like I'm in Pleasantville anymore, but it's all good. Maybe I'm just tired because I got like no sleep last night. It's weird how the little things can make you feel so good about yourself. I gotta remember to thank God for those little things tonight. Don't have much planned for this weekend. Mike and I got tickets to go and see Chuck's play on Fri.. Night and I'm waiting to hear back from Bosse about whether or not he might be going with us. I hope so. I'd really like to get to know him better because he seems like such a cool guy to know. (And yes Dave Mikey got a ticket for you because I want for you and Bosse to hang out together!!) I love all of my friends and really miss how close we all once were. I remember the days that Matthew and I would stay up 'til all hours of the morning talking about nothing. Now I have no idea what's going on in his life. That's kinda depressing. It's cool that Brea is back to being a huge part of my life, I really missed her. Of course I miss Fay because he's off being a grown-up. But oh well, I"m sure it'll all work itself out. I want nothing more for my friends to be happy together. (That's the Pleasantville talking in me :o) But it's true. I don't know, maybe I just bummed myself out by writing this, but I'm really too tired to think right now, so I"m just going to sign off while I'm making at least a little sense before I start mumbling...Can you mumble online??

Amazing weekend!!

I am chillin' at the 'brary avoiding work for the time being just thinking about what a fantastic weekend I had. The retreat was unbelievable. I think that the reason that the retreat was so awesome was because of the team we had. Even though I love Jessica to pieces, I was a little worried about us being on the team together. I was afraid that I wouldn't get the chance like I did last year to branch out and make new friends with the other team members. Boy was I wrong. Although Schalk and I did have our moments where we weren't mingling with others, for the most part I hung out with a ton of different people. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to hang out with Fay that much because I seldom see him anymore, but it's cool. I got a lot closer to Bosse who is so one of my most favorite people. He is an incredible guy to know and I'm really looking forward to him hanging out with us more (I even made it into his 4th Day Talk...granted he was flirting with me, but I couldn't complain :o) Tons of the team members want to come to my birthday party and I am totally psyched about that. The seniors were awesome too, although they had a little harder time concentrating than the other retreats I've been on. My small group was so cool. I totally adored all of them and it was cool that they kept wanting to go back into the small groups. My talk went pretty good and although I was so incredibly nervous (shocker, huh??) I was told that I didn't look nervous at all. It was probably the first time, I almost completely gave a witness TALK and not a witness READ. People kept coming up to me and telling me that they really admired me and my personality which was extremely cool. I had so much fun, it's hard to tell all the stuff that I enjoyed. I took like 40 pictures and I can't wait to get them developed. I know that I'm still on that "retreat high" but it's ok, hopefully I'll still have this feeling for awhile. I know that it'll help if I get to continue to hang out with team and get to be closer to them even more. I think I've got Bosse convinced to hang out with us in the 'brary. Our old people were frickin' awesome too. Each and every one of them made me feel special in a unique way and I'm lucky to have met each and every one of them. (Even if some of them were a little dirty...cough cough...Mike...cough cough...."If it were my leg, I would've let her continue on for like five minutes before telling her she could stop."... "Hey Jessica, do you know what an extremely satisfied guy says after sex? (Schalk): "No, what?" (Mike): "I didn't think so.") Oh wow those guys are frickin' hilarious and I'm so very glad that God put them in my life. More fun stuff about retreat: the quick hump, Brett farting in church-twice, Ray's stupid jokes, Ryan hiding under the alter in the blue room and giving away his hiding spot b/c he farted, me hiding in Schalk's room and the list goes on and on and on...I'm so thankful for the opportunity I had to be apart of team. I love each and every one of those guys and really hope that I can stay in contact with them this year. Thanks God for an awesome weekend and not too many tears!!

Tiny Bubbles...

I really don't like that we're supposed to name these things because I can never think of an interesting title for my entry, but oh well....let's see...it's been awhile since I've posted (for me any way, not for Fay :o) I don't really have too much to talk about here and I should be working on homework, but I"m not feelin' it, so we'll see. I have absolutely no concentration anymore for school work. I was doing so well and all of a sudden, I can't care anymore. Oh well, hopefully I'll get over that soon. I'm not as much of a downer as I was for the last blog, but I'm still in serious boyfriend mode...so if you're reading this and you're single or you know someone....hehe...hook me up. I'm feeling better today, yesterday I wasn't feeling the greatest. Let's see....I"ve been very emotional lately (and no it's not just PMS) and I don't really know why. Like at King's Island on Sunday: I was a little teary on the way to meet everyone, but it wasn't extremely bad and then out of nowhere I'm sobbing on CJ's shoulder...I don't know, I can usually contain my "no real reason crying" to myself, but this time there was no hiding it. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I did get considerably happier after riding Delerium (and losing my gum) hehe...but oh well. I've actually enjoyed spending some alone time this week. I wasn't scared to stay by myself the past two nights and it gave me some time to think. (although that isn't always a good thing) I started painting my mommy's Christmas present last night and I was actually excited about how it's turning out...hopefully I'll be able to finish it next week, but we'll see...wow, I really am a boring person...lol...no wonder why people dont' want to hang out with me...but oh well, I"m not as boring as some people I know (not to mention any names). Yeah, so I'm not really saying much in here...I need to start drawing and painting more again because that's a way I can really express myself...I'm having troubles with the word thing now...but oh well, I'll just stop here and make this pretty instead of mumbling through everything....