Just some thoughts...

I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks about friends and things (see past blogs) and I actually got a chance to hang out with a few people the other night. I "closed down Barley's" for the first time, without drinking too much. But I was able to do a shot with a great friend, who I really didn't get to see much while he was home. We got to talk a lot, even though he was busy hitting on a girl...same old Rosario. It was the first time I had seen the rest of my friends since Michael and Stacey's wedding, and before that, I don't remember the last time I saw them. It was good for me, but hearing Rosario talk made me sad...he said "You never know who your real friends are until you go away." I know I complain and worry about this a lot, but it's just something that's on my mind right now, especially after some things that happened last night. I really don't feel good enough for my friends anyway and I feel like the more I cry to them about this, the less appealing I am, but I'm so scared. The more I think about it, the more scared I get, and I can't seem to shake that feeling. April and I were talking this past weekend and I think it helped me reach a conclusion. I've started closing different chapters in my life and I'm going to close a lot more before the year is over. It started over christmas break when I quit St. Mary's. Then I left Celebration!. I have my last official class at NKU this summer. I'll be quitting Children Inc. all together, and taking the fall off from the Nurturing Center and Senior retreat. Taking like 11 weeks off at the Children's Home. Then graduating in Dec. I think that's enough stress to make anyone a little crazy. No wonder I feel like I'll lose my friends, I'm saying good-bye to everything else, it only seems right. So yeah...not much else to say, even thought thoughts are running over...maybe I'll write a poem now...yeah, I'm feelin' it:

Thoughts running over
Feelings springing forth
Ripping at my heart
Tearing at my soul
Losing it all
Closing chapters
With nothing new to begin
It's all ending
Where is my new beginning?
I can't stand it
I cry out
But no one hears
Not even me
Not even me

Questions

Tears free falling from the sky
Covering me, blinding me
Losing focus on what is to be seen
I look up to You
I ask You questions
And receive wrong answers
What am I doing so wrong
I try and live up to Your potential
But am a constant disappointment

My head falls in shame
I can't look at your eyes
In fear they aren't looking at me
I can't reach for your hand
In fear that it won't be there to hold
I step back from you
And realize I'm on my own
Still silently wishing for you
But not knowing where you are

I look inside myself, not seeing any good
I look around for my reflection
And only see mistakes
Why can't I do anything right
Why won't this wave of saddness roll on by
Why can't I be loved, cared for, or even wanted
And so with nothing else left
I let the tears free fall from the sky

Growing up and growing apart

I've been thinking a lot lately about growing up and how it goes hand in hand with growing apart. I know that I had heard this many times before, but I don't think that I thought that it applied to me and my friends. We would be the exception to the rule. It's sad how naive I was about the whole thing. Growing up does mean growing apart and it's a hard concept to grasp. Why is it so much harder to make time for friends when life gets slightly more busy? Why do we simply accept it and refuse to try and be the exception. It doesn't seem logical that the people who you once needed more than anything (and still need) are willing to let each other go. I've been thinking a lot about this since I decided to go to Australia. I've been holding on to my friends (although not nearly as tight as I used to) but I'm scared to death that when I get home, I won't have my friends...or that it will be different and I will be out of the loop. I'm not anything special and I'm afraid that they will let me go while I"m gone. This thought has been making me very sad the past couple of weeks. I'm not considering not going to Australia, because I really think that I'm meant to be there, but it just sucks that I'll be alone for 8 weeks. If I think that I'm lonely here, it'll be times 10 while I'm over there. I won't even be able to call Dave for a joke or Brea to vent or Fay to catch up b/c of the stupid time difference. I know that I'll be with people I know, and I'm bound to know them really well by the time I get back, but it won't be the same without my friends. I feel like I'm already homesick and I don't leave for 6 months. I won't know what's going on in the lives of everyone, like who's dating who, what people have been up to, etc. And what if someone gets sick or hurt while I'm over there. My friends depend on me too and I won't be able to be there for them either. I know that I'm overreacting a little, but the sad part is that I'm probably not overreacting that much. If we're growing apart this much and we're all still in the same area, it can only get worse. I know that God won't give me more than I can handle, but I'm feeling a little anxious right now. I constantly have a sinking feeling in my stomach and it's making it difficult for me to get to sleep at night. I've been crying myself to sleep and that's not something that I enjoy so much. But oh well, I'll make it through, and if my friends are reading this, just know that I won't forget about you, so try not to forget about me.

Running Away

Running away from myself
Seems like a great accomplishment
But I need to run
And I'm losing the race
I don't know where I'm going
I can't remember where I've been
I just know I can't stay here anymore
In the empty room that surrounds me
And so I run.
Run away from myself
Racing against time and loneliness
I stop and look around
Around at nothing
And I bleed
Losing the race bleeds from my soul
And onto the ground
It glows red with passion
As I fall into the dirt
Defeated

So yeah, not my best work, but typical of my randomness. I'm not happy with the way that it flows, but it allowed me to vent all the same. I don't feel like whining anymore, and I'm sure that the "poetry" I write is more entertaining than my countless whining, so maybe I'll write more randomness on here instead of whining, but we'll see. Wow, that was a complete run-on sentence...lol, oh well...it happens. OK, so I think that is all for now, but go me for posting twice in the same week. It's nice to be back on here, expressing myself.

Almost a year ago...

So yeah, it's been almost a year since my last post. It's hard to believe it's been that long. I am feeling kind of out of it now and I have for the last couple of weeks. Do you ever feel that you have stopped moving, meanwhile the world continues to spin faster and faster around you?? That's kind of how I've been feeling. I have no motivation for day to day activities and I can't seem to see an end. I've been feeling pretty depressed and unloved also. I've gotten to the point where I am forgetting how it feels to be apart of something more. I don't get to see my friends all that much anymore, and I'm sure that's part of it. It's funny, I worked so hard to "grow up" (which in my terms can scarcely be considered an adult) that I forgot what it means to just forget about responsibility and have some fun. I used to be obsessed with having fun and now I've forgotten how. Now when did that happen?? Why did I choose to grow old...which is something I've always promised I would never do. I hate feeling this way...but I'm unsure of how to go about changing it. I know that I only tend to write on here when I'm feeling crappy, and I think that's OK. I really wish I had something positive to say, but right now I'm just feeling blue. I don't have too much else to say, except that I am going to try and start posting again, at least once every week or two. Maybe I'll try and write some more poetry or publish some that I have already written. But as for now, I'll just end it with a sigh....