As time passes

Ok, so I know that it's still the 4th day and all, but I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I keep crying over stupid shit and feeling sorry for myself. I really wish that I didn't feel this way. I feel so apart from those around me. Like I'm inside a bubble and everything that I should care about is just outside my own reach. I don't know why I'm so messed up, but I'll probably be better when school is over. I have never been more anxious for a semester to just end. It's probably the whole "well, I messed up big time this semester, but I can turn it all around next year." philosophy. But I don't know. I feel like Jeana is really mad at me for something I wrote in her CP and I didn't even mean it in a bad way at all. I love her and I really miss hanging out with her. We were really close when I was going out with Dave, but I kinda felt that when we broke up, I couldn't hang out with her anymore because I wasn't about hanging out just with the two of them. Nothing against them, just I always feel out of place when I hang out with a couple. I know that Brea takes offense to that to, but I don't want her to, it just makes me feel like the two of them have each other and I have no one. I had an alright time on retreat, but it wasn't my favorite. I cried more on this one that maybe every other retreat (but maybe the one where Fay did POC...I love you cuzz, and I'm over it I promise.) I did however come to some conclusions this retreat. I finally realized what I was talking about in my Love in Action witness about how love is not a mutual back scratching idea. I can't only love people for them to love me back. That's not how it is supposed to work. Sure, I can hope to be loved in return, but if I'm not, I can't let that stand in the way of my love. Nobody owes me anything. And I can't count on that. I also realized that most of people who say that they love me (like team) knows nothing about me except that I can be loud and like to smile. Nobody ever stops to see if that's just a mask. Sometimes it's not, but there are other times when I can't even bear to crack a smile. This retreat was one of them. I would try to smile at the witnessers (I was right in front) to prevent them from crying, but I felt like nobody was there to try and prevent me from crying. And that's part of what I came to grips with on this retreat. Nobody owes it to me to try and comfort me. I can't expect that from everyone or maybe even anyone and I have finally been able to say that's ok. I don't want people to comfort me because I ask them to or because I need them to, just because they want to. On top of all this, it's becoming appearent that my brother has a drinking problem and probably has had one for years. It's just starting to get in the way of his life. I want my family and my friends to be happy and although I know what to say to my friends who are in trouble (although it might not always be the right thing to say) I have no idea how to help my brother. My family doesn't ever talk about their feelings and so none of us know how to ask for help. When Jamie had her baby, I gave David a hug and it felt weird. I know that he felt weird too and that's sad. It shouldn't feel wrong to hug your brother, especially when I adore giving and receiving hugs the most. I don't know, I was up late last night and praying and I just hope that it can be worked out and that if he needs help, he finds it before it's too late. So yeah, that's about all right now and hopefully things'll turn up and soon.