So yeah...

It's been awhile since I've posted...I really haven't been too busy (although perhaps a little more busy than most)...I just haven't had much to say. I've been seeing my friends a little more, which is cool. I leave in less than 3 months (can you believe it??) and I would like to spend as much time as possible with them. I got fired (laid off) from Children, Inc...which I think is pretty shitty, but I've been able to pick up extra shifts at the Children's Home, which is cool. Everybody there is a lot of fun to hang out with and it's been great getting to know people better. I don't really have a whole lot to say right now, but I didn't want to get out of the habit of posting. I guess I'm just living day to day, trying to get by...I'm not sure if I've talked about this on here or not, but I've recently reached a decision that I don't particularly want to teach in a general edu. setting. Lately my dream teaching job is to teach in a hospital's children's psych ward or maybe at a children's home (either DCCH or another one). I have no interest in having my own classroom and I just want to help those kids who seem out of reach. I am determined to touch lives in my lifetime and make an impact on people. I'm not sure whether or not this idea will change b/c I tend to do that, and I'm sure that Australia will impact my teaching in some way, and I'm not sure how yet. But as of right now, this is what I'm interested in. I want to help people...pretty vague, but that's the main idea right now, especially children. I believe that everyone deserves a chance to dream and strive to reach those dreams...if I can help make that happen for one child, then I can consider my life a success...lol, at least I think. I don't know, maybe I'll never be satisfied, but I do know that I'm not going to sit around and wait for greatness to find me...I'm going to seek it out so that I can make a difference...

The Road Not Taken
By Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I want to walk on a path that hasn't been touched before

A whole lotta nothin'....

I have nothing of significance to post right now, but it's been a week or two and so I decided I should post something, so I don't get out of the habbit of posting...wow, that was kind of a mouthful. So yeah...awesome weekend. I had an awesome time at work...lots of good times. Then I went to the 2nd Annual Lindsey Sendelbach Memorial Tournament...watched some softball, had a beer, talked to some people I hadn't talked to in awhile. Then I went to Duck Creek and had a lot more beer and talked to a lot more people. It was like a high school reunion...and it was a lot of fun. I got to hang out with my sister which was cool too.
Oh yeah...and when I was at work on Fri. Sister Jean Marie invited me to do an outreach project with the Sisters of Notre Dame. I'm thinking hard about it and praying about it. The one she's incharge of is in Dayton, KY, but there's another one in downtown L.A...I'm leaning more towards this one b/c I wouldn't have to take off a week of work to do it, and it's in California, which would be awesome. And it's working with innercity youth, which I love!! I'm getting really excited about it, I think that it might be just what I need at this point in my life (even the one in Dayton). So yeah, that's fun and interesting. It's only a week at each place, so we'll see how it works out.
I don't really have all that much else to say. Isn't it nice not having me whine? B/c parts of my weekend were depressing, but I chose to not write about those b/c right now I'm not too unhappy...and we'll just leave it at that.
I'm trying to just experience life right now and not look too deep into what's going on around me. So yeah, that's life as I know it.

Life

Life is full of questions
And people asking more
But what I'm really wondering
Is what do I have to live for?

I sit around and think
About all the things gone wrong
I close my eyes and cry
While I listen to a song

And then I get an answer
So simple but unclear
I need to push myself into action
In spite of all that I fear

I need to go and experience
All this life has to give
I need to make a decision
To stop waiting around and LIVE

A friend of mine recently asked me that question "what do you live for?" I have been thinking about this for a couple of days and I still don't have an answer for him, but I did have some suggestions about where to start looking for the answers. I'm not a motivated person, and I'm completely unsure about life after graduation, but I do feel that I am trying to figure it out. I need to spread my wings and find out for myself what this life has in store for me. I'm trying to become more independent, but it's very hard for me. I know that going to Australia is going to help with that and it will also give me a chance to evaluate the way my life has been going. I'm determined to change the way I am and make a difference in someone's life....I want to LIVE!

Lost

Falling through the emptiness
Not knowing where to turn
I look into no one's eyes
As I feel the anger burn

It pulls at everything inside
I can't figure anything out
Undecided on where to go
What's this life all about

I look around for some direction
But the arrows are so very dull
I trip over all my choices
But have nowhere safe to fall

I step back and try to breath
But the wind escapes from me
I look around at all the nothing
And am scared at what I don't see

Where are you when I need you
The love and support you used to give
I wish I weren't so easily forgotten
What is this life I'm meant to live

A new perspective

So yeah...I know that I have been whiney on here the past few weeks, and I think I'm getting past that. I haven't been crying as much and although I haven't stopped feeling sorry for myself, I have lessoned the frequency of my pity parties. I've been listening to Staind a lot more, which always helps, I've been hanging out with friends more, I'm finished with my busy schedule for now. Life's not too shabby. I am trying not to think of all of the changes in my life because then I get scared and I'm not up for that right now. I'm just ready to live life as it comes. I'm ready for a summer of fun and preperation for whatever is in store for me. I think that another reason that I was anxious was because of problems at work, I was constantly on guard and worried, and that has greatly lessoned now as well. So yeah...back to Staind...I had forgotten how therapeutic they can be. I was never particularly a huge fan of 13 Shades of Grey, in terms of releasing emotion, but it's weird how much it applies to my life right now. I'll post some lyrics for ya in a bit. So yeah, not much to report right now, but I'm able to see a sliver of the silver lining.

Lol...but you wouldn't know it from these lyrics:
"Blow Away"
Live in my head for just one day
I see myself and look away
The road is showing now on my face
Soon I'll disappear
I'll disappear without a fucking trace
[Chorus]
Faces that I've seen turn old and grey
I've lost too many friends along the way
Memories I never thought would fade
They fade and blow away
I wish that I could disappear
Unzip my skin and leave it here
So I could be no one again
And never let nobody,
I'd let nobody
I'd let nobody in
[Chorus]
So now the walls are closing in
Because in life you sink or swim
Sometimes these shoes don't feel right in my head
Feel like a book that can't be read,
A book that can't be,
A book that can't be read
[Chorus]

"Fray"
i know that it never goes away
all i feel, everything i'm not today
so i try and i try to make everything right
i don't feel like i'm doing it, it affects me
[chorus]
you wouldn't listen even if i told you
what the fuck am i to say?
you're too busy with the lies they sold you
another cure to fix your day
open wide for all the shit they feed you
while the TV defecates
and blindly walk wherever they will lead you
while the edges slowly fray
i know that everything can change
what i need is to open up again
so never again will i look back in vain
cuz today's not the past,
i don't need to relive it
[chorus]
are you satisfied?
i've given all i can and are you pacified
or do you want more from me?
[chorus]
i've learned that this life's not just a game
just a line between the pleasures and the pain
[chorus]

Just some thoughts...

I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks about friends and things (see past blogs) and I actually got a chance to hang out with a few people the other night. I "closed down Barley's" for the first time, without drinking too much. But I was able to do a shot with a great friend, who I really didn't get to see much while he was home. We got to talk a lot, even though he was busy hitting on a girl...same old Rosario. It was the first time I had seen the rest of my friends since Michael and Stacey's wedding, and before that, I don't remember the last time I saw them. It was good for me, but hearing Rosario talk made me sad...he said "You never know who your real friends are until you go away." I know I complain and worry about this a lot, but it's just something that's on my mind right now, especially after some things that happened last night. I really don't feel good enough for my friends anyway and I feel like the more I cry to them about this, the less appealing I am, but I'm so scared. The more I think about it, the more scared I get, and I can't seem to shake that feeling. April and I were talking this past weekend and I think it helped me reach a conclusion. I've started closing different chapters in my life and I'm going to close a lot more before the year is over. It started over christmas break when I quit St. Mary's. Then I left Celebration!. I have my last official class at NKU this summer. I'll be quitting Children Inc. all together, and taking the fall off from the Nurturing Center and Senior retreat. Taking like 11 weeks off at the Children's Home. Then graduating in Dec. I think that's enough stress to make anyone a little crazy. No wonder I feel like I'll lose my friends, I'm saying good-bye to everything else, it only seems right. So yeah...not much else to say, even thought thoughts are running over...maybe I'll write a poem now...yeah, I'm feelin' it:

Thoughts running over
Feelings springing forth
Ripping at my heart
Tearing at my soul
Losing it all
Closing chapters
With nothing new to begin
It's all ending
Where is my new beginning?
I can't stand it
I cry out
But no one hears
Not even me
Not even me

Questions

Tears free falling from the sky
Covering me, blinding me
Losing focus on what is to be seen
I look up to You
I ask You questions
And receive wrong answers
What am I doing so wrong
I try and live up to Your potential
But am a constant disappointment

My head falls in shame
I can't look at your eyes
In fear they aren't looking at me
I can't reach for your hand
In fear that it won't be there to hold
I step back from you
And realize I'm on my own
Still silently wishing for you
But not knowing where you are

I look inside myself, not seeing any good
I look around for my reflection
And only see mistakes
Why can't I do anything right
Why won't this wave of saddness roll on by
Why can't I be loved, cared for, or even wanted
And so with nothing else left
I let the tears free fall from the sky